Friday, January 11, 2013

Reclaiming

Youngest son and I had an interesting conversation the other day.  Not a surprising one for me as I kind of figured this anyway but it still was interesting and concerned him a little.

He says everyone (husband, other son, other son's girlfriend, etc.) talks about me behind my back about the mess I have in the living room and back bedroom.  I suspected this but had no proof and really, it is their problem, not mine.  My husband likes to blame everyone else but himself for anything.  He once blamed the cat for the car not starting.  Anyway I told him I already figured this.  Son feels he needs to defend me so he told them I appear more messy because it is in your face when you step into the house.  But what they see is all I have.

What they don't see, the two barns, three sheds, four junk vehicles behind the barn, the house basement, the 2 acres of land in front of the house, the whole driveway ringed with his crap he drags home, stuff I cannot lift to move or get rid of it is too large.  What husband has is 100x more than I have.

What do I have outside?  My bike, garden stuff, a trash can for animal feed, a rabbit, chickens in a coop and fence, two chairs on the porch.  But it was good to hear this because I blame myself for it all!  I assured son that I am aware and I just don't care anymore.  They can talk all they want but if they are not apart of the solution they are apart of the PROBLEM.  I hope he knows how much I appreciate his help.  His presence helps balance out a really unbalanced situation here.  I will be sorry to see him go back to school but know I cannot rely on him to get me through this.  But sometimes it is just nice to hear "good job!" rather than this undercurrent of sabotage.

This is why the discovery of all husband's stuff in the living room was so freeing for me.  I take the blame of everyone but it is not all mine.  My failure is in keeping it picked up if that is even my responsibility.

What I am finding though is the more I get out of here the worse husband is getting towards me.  Not physically or even verbally but in subtle ways like dragging mud through the house, leaving his smelly cow  gloves laying around stinking the house up, getting upset with me because I took his four years of newspapers and ran them through the burn barrel rather than the woodboiler.  Little things like that.  Mind you, I am not tossing his stuff but for the old papers and some rusty bolts that he torched off something, empty boxes, holey socks etc.  No, I am stacking and boxing up his stuff so he can go through it himself.   In the past I have become so overwhelmed and his attitude towards me when I start making headway has totally discouraged me.   But this time his attitude is not going to sway me.  I am reclaiming my place in this world one room at a time!

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